Ramble: Tired and Emotional

Posted on 2025-05-28

Note: This is not a techy post or anything. It's personal post. Ramble. Feel free to ignore it.

Burnout is ass. Well, the games are actually pretty good. But the mental burnout, it's just ass.

I've gone through this road multiple times. I'll probably go through it many more times in future.

But at least I'm on a vacation now, trying to rest. So might as well write a post about my general feelings too. Sort of public journal page.

I think I dislike most modern tech

Nowadays when I look at most new things in technology, my first instinct is not "Oh that looks cool."

My first instinct is instead: "Oh great, another tool to fuck us over."

New GPUs? Great, more resource hungry bricks that add features games don't really need just because someone has a boner for ultra-realistic-graphics or "AI."

And yes then there's the blanket term "AI" that has so much trash in it. I'm so fucking tired of it.

Then there's some new websites or web "apps" or whatever that are like "yo join our thing" and they will fuck over their userbase when they run out of money.

It's not all that bad though: When I see new FOSS projects, I get excited, interested..! Because if they fuck me over, I can just fork it if I rely on it, or alternatively stop using it. But they rarely do, because many FOSS projects are made by actually nice people. It's refreshing. (Not all of them though, if you know, you know.)

I preferred when tech was tool to create end goals, not the end goal itself.

I have to accept I am emotional bean

I used to think I was sort of "stoic." This was a case when I was younger: I was actually so depressed I killed most of my emotions.. Well, except anger.

Now that I am finally getting better, I've noticed that I am VERY EMOTIONAL. And I don't mean I'm crying over things, I haven't been able to cry properly since I was 13 and that has not changed.

It's more that I am very passionate, easily frustrated and it's all very overwhelming. I am not used to my emotions being like this.

If you're a friend of mine and see me in this state, please do not dismiss it: Allow me to come out of it with my own terms, but you can help me by guiding me to the correct route.

Usually that means allowing me to rant until I'm too tired. I don't know any other ways to snap out of it yet.

I am still addicted to social media things

Social media addiction, be it fediverse or lobste.rs or whatever, can get really out of hand with me. Or at least I feel like that way.

How many of you do the dumb cycle of:

  1. Open site
  2. Read site 10 seconds
  3. Close site
  4. Wait for a minute
  5. "I should open the site"
  6. Repeat...

When I spot myself doing this, I get so angry with myself. I detest this behavior in me. Addiction to things is like taking control out of my hands and it just makes me so fucking angry.

So I need to set myself walls, mostly mental walls:

  • Open The Site only ~5 times a day. Less is better. Zero is bets.
  • If I break the rule, don't blame yourself. Just close it when realising and keep it in mind.

It's important to not tell yourself you're a failure because that goes to the "well might do it anyway since I failed" thinking and then you're back to square one.

Self-control is something that is very difficult when I'm being emotional. But I think I can do it.

I should use my blog for personal things too

Since social media is addicting, but I like to write my thoughts.. Well, I should do it here instead!

I think writing things down like this and sharing the blog post is much more better for my health than making ranty fedi threads or whatever.

Also I just find writing blog posts fun. I've actually avoided writing more personal posts here because "people are not going to like it."

Well fuck the people, this is my blog and I'll write what I want. Pee pee poo poo.

If you want to comment on the thing, too bad. I don't have comments here. You can email me if you want I guess. Or comment on the fedi post I link this to. But otherwise, nah.

Internet comments are waste of time for me

I don't know when I learn this lesson. I keep commenting on things because I disagree with someone. Then I find myself in the addiction of the frustrated/passionate feedback loop.

It's all just fucking useless. If I want to have conversation, it's way better for me to do it in a chat application. Unless, it's about something like a tutorial or project or similar. But for the run of the mill topics like "did you play this game" it's just much more sensible to do it in a chat app.

Tiredness does not help

Due to the burnout I am also tired. I can fall asleep easily in middle of a day, and I actually really dislike that. I would rather do something like smack goblins with a sword in Cyrodiil or something. Anything else.

But I am tired because my mind is tired and I just need to allow it the time it needs. That's fine. I hope you, reader, also allow your brain to rest too.

Burnout is not really evil, it's just a state where your brain ran out of any reserves because life happened and you just need to allow it to recover.

But man being tired is annoying.

Writing notes and journals by hand

Since I got my reMarkable 2 notebook second-hand, I've been using it almost daily to write journals.

I have two journals, work and personal.

  • For personal, it's mostly ramblings like this but in bullet point form.
    • Any specific things that happened
    • What I like, what I dislike, with emotions next to them
  • For work, it's "what I did, how I did, did I finish task" etc.
    • Actual tasks I have in a markdown to-do file.
    • I gave up on timing tasks, using caldav tasks and orgmode etc.
    • I just need simple lists with least amount overhead as possible!

Both journals do not have any rigid form. If I try to follow some "ruleset" for notetaking, I end up making sure the rules are correct and everything is neatly placed, instead of actually taking notes..

Anyway, it's been fantastic. I could do this with regular journal too, but I have a thing for e-ink which motivates me to use it more. Idk how to explain it, my autism just loves interacting wit e-ink.

When I write journals down by hand, I actually remember all the important bits, at least for the day. And with reMarkable I can turn handwriting into text if I need it to be searchable. It works surprisingly well.

I'm sure there's tons of privacy issues with using the reMarkable cloud and whatnot, but I will allow myself to have some convenience, as a treat.

I got a tattoo

I got a cool tattoo. I am waiting for it to heal proper, and will then share photos of it here.

If you cannot wait, I already have posted a photo of it to fedi: Akseli :quake_verified:​ :kde:: "Tattoo get" - Scalie Zone

But I want to take a better photo of it for here. Maybe mixed with my cosplay, something fun!

The tattooing process was rather okay at first, very painful in the end, and now recovering from taking it has been adding to being tired. But I am very happy with the tattoo. Anyway, I'll write more about it when I make the image post.

There is no conclusion to these posts

There's no specific notes to end on. I just wanted to write something. I will preface these posts with Ramble and tag them as such, so it's easy to ignore them.

I will be doing this more often, I hope. It's my blog. And I genuinely enjoy writing rambly things. I think it's just better to do it in here than on fedi and get then stuck on browsing fedi.

glhf kkthxbai